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What’s the most disgusting thing you’ve seen at the poker table? Someone that eats like a pig? Maybe someone came to the table and hadn’t showered for a week.

If you’ve played live poker with any frequency, you’ve probably had to sit through a few disgusting experiences. Here are three of the most disgusting things I’ve experienced while on my poker travels.

Read More: More Funny Yet True Poker Stories

CSI – Seat 3

I won’t say which casino did this because I don’t want to embarrass them – one day I came to a stud cash game table and seat three was “tapped off” with two yellow pieces of tape marking the width of the space and a piece of tape going from the table to the chair.

When I sat down in seat 7, I asked about the seat and someone spoke up and said that they had to “send Grissom over to collect evidence.” Upon further pressing, someone spoke up and said that a “stain had to be cleaned up.”

Naturally, I thought that someone had maybe had an accident in their chair or something. However, nobody was complaining about any smell.

A few minutes later, an Asian janitor comes over to check things out. When he pulls out the chair, he sees nothing in the chair itself and asks what happened. The men at the table look at each other like they weren’t sure what to say. Finally, one of them do a quick up and down hand jerking motion and points to under the table.

At this point, I go “No….” Yup. When he looked under the table, it was clear that someone had masturbated to completion and there was a “trail of evidence.”

“Did you bring your gloves,” asked one player. After a minute, the janitor say “I no touch that. You move to another table.” A floor was called and the janitor pointed out what happened.

“You need to move table. Table needs steam cleaning.” He then points to seat 2 and says “So do his pants.”

The guy in Seat 2 immediate grabs his chips and leaves all while going, “You have GOT to be F***ING kidding me.” Everyone is looking at him while storming out and at this point, the cat is out of the bag.

Our game is moved to another table and over the course of the next half hour, a crew comes in to take the table out of the room and they bring in a carpet cleaner to clean up the “evidence.”

The chair was moved to an adjacent table.

csi-gif

That’s Not Pee

Coming out of a tournament one day at the Bike (I had busted out), I was walking down the hallway from the old tournament room and I noticed a long trail of liquid on the floor going down the hall.

As I was stepping to the side of it, someone speaks up and says, “You probably don’t want to step in that.” I reply, “Someone couldn’t hold it in eh?”

“That’s not pee” was their reply. “There’s a lady having a baby in the bathroom.”

what

At first, I didn’t quite believe them but as I walked away, here comes a group of EMTs with a stretcher. I hung out at the snack bar and watched as they later wheeled the pregnant woman out to take her to the hospital to have her kid.

The rest of the day, the talk at the tables centered around the woman who almost had a kid in the bathroom and the subsequent prop bets about how long it would be before she came back to play.

Apparently she was a regular and most expected her to be back as soon as she could get out of the hospital. There were actually bets placed on her being back at 10 pm that night. (It was about 6:30 when the bet was placed.)

Someone later told me she stayed away for five days but when she came back, she brought her baby to meet some of the other regulars.

You Can’t Use that as a Card Protector

I was playing a NL tournament at Binions back in 2007 and we had to get a ruling on a card protector. To my recollection, this is the first and only time I have seen a floor person have to rule about a card protector that wasn’t a poker chip.

In the early hands, this one guy was using what appeared to be a human finger. It looked completely authentic and at one point, a player two spots to his right asked to take a look at the “realistic looking finger.”
“What’s it made out of?” The guy holds up his right hand and says, “Me.” Apparently the guy had lost his finger in an accident and chose not to get it reattached. Instead, he had the finger preserved and he now used it as a good luck charm because the accident was supposed to take his life, not just a finger.

As soon as it was revealed that the finger was actually real, someone went, “Oh HELL no” and called the floor.

awww-hell-no

Upon explaining the situation to the floor man, he calmly said, “Sir, you cannot use a human body part as a card protector. You need to remove it from the table and from the tournament area.”

To the gentleman’s credit, he didn’t argue and took the finger away. He came back later and told us he put it in his wife’s purse.

Apparently it was indeed good luck because she came over later and told him she was going shopping because she won $565 on a slot machine.

I guess that’s one way to give the casinos the finger.

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James Guill

James Guill began his poker career in 2006, spending two years traveling the US tournament circuit. Since 2008, he has covered the game extensively for some of the biggest names in the industry. When not writing about the latest poker news, he can be found hunting for antique treasures in Central Virginia.

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