PokerStars is proud to announce their latest addition to Team PokerStars, the Limit Hold’em superbot Cepheus. Earlier this month, the world learned that Cepheus has solved the game of heads-up Limit Hold’em.
Always at the forefront of innovation in online poker, PokerStars has clearly understood that while poker is a game of skill, recent trends have shifted focus towards chance-based gaming. This has threatened overall profitability to the company, but change is on the horizon thanks to the researchers at the University of Alberta, who created Cepheus. Seizing the opportunity to capitalize on the fact that the University researchers are essentially broke college students, PokerStars reached out to the team and purchased full rights to their bot.
Wins are Guaranteed!
CEO Daniel Borezall explained the move, stating, “PokerStars has had a history of being the #1 online poker site in the world. In order to keep that top spot, it was imperative that we devised a plan that would generate guaranteed wins for the company. When it was announced that Cepheus had solved the game of heads-up Limit Hold’em, we knew it would be a perfect fit for our company.”
Vice President of Public Relations and Smoke Blowing, Evan RakeRizer, shared similar sentiments, explaining, “With the focus of the industry shifting more towards recreational players and chance gaming, it was important that we secure guaranteed wins for the company. Cepheus is exactly what we’ve been waiting for. For years, we’ve been looking for a guaranteed winner in the game of poker. While we are proud of our Team Pros, they simply cannot produce at the level of Cepheus. Cepheus can help bridge that gap and provide the profits that Amaya so desperately desires.”
Borezall pointed out that Cepheus settles the argument of “luck vs. skill.” “We all know that poker is a skill game and Cepheus is the epitome of skillful play. Cepheus does not lose and is available to play 24/7,” continued Borezall. “This equals unlimited profit potential for PokerStars. We’ve also received positive feedback from our pros who hope to improve their game by playing Cepheus.”
It was also learned that recent rake hikes were aborted due to Cepheus. According to RakeRizer, “At first we considered making changes to the rake structure, but those changes proved unpopular. Now with Cepheus, we don’t need rake hikes. Instead we can just take the entire pot.”
New Heads-Up Bounty Tournament Series Also Announced
PokerStars was also proud to debut their new heads-up limit hold’em tournament series entitled “Robot Wars.” Every Sunday, Cepheus will be the guest host for a $500 buy-in progressive heads-up bounty event. Each player will have a bounty on his or her head and those who advance will see their personal bounty increase by 10%.
Cepheus will start each of these events with a bounty of $2,000 with an increase of $500 for each player it eliminates. Why is PokerStars offering such a generous bounty? Simple: Cepheus is unbeatable, so they’re not worried about having to pay out the bounty. Everyone is essentially playing for second place.
Below are other changes on the horizon thanks to Cepheus:
Hourly Heads-Up Limit Hold’em Events will be available with Cepheus playing in the field. All tournaments feature zero entry fees.
Heads-Up Limit Hold’em cash games will be available at all stakes and short stack tables will also be allowed.
All heads-up limit hold’em tables with Cepheus as an opponent will be rake-free.
“This is a new era in online poker,” heralded Borezall. “We invite all poker players, including our other Team Pros, to log in today and test their skills. Every bankroll helps us continue our mission of worldwide iGaming domination. Today Limit Hold’em, tomorrow Candy Crush!”
Editor’s note: We hope you enjoyed this satirical article, meant for entertainment purposes only. If you did, be sure to share it with your poker buddies.